Sunday, June 9, 2002
UPDATED BY: Julius "Negabyte" Parente
A quick note before we start. These updates will show you how warped a sense
of humour me and my friends have. Hope you enjoy them, if not, I understand
completely. SIGN THE FRIGGIN' GUESTBOOK!
Canada, the land of opportunity, the great white north, the butt of jokes
everywhere. There are several things we can do as the people of Canada to
solve this terrible problem. For one thing, we can change some of the things
that other nations think of as joke punchlines. Our politeness for one thing.
Others, especially Americans, believe that Canadians are too polite, and
therefore, not as tough. Well, we can change this point of view simply by
changing the "Welcome to Canada" sign that is present across the Canada-US
border. Here is my proposed new welcome sign:
This will show those American bastards how "polite"
A second aspect of Canadian life constantly being made fun of south of the
border is the weakness of our dollar. Our dollar is worth about 65 cents US.
This means that for every dollar's worth of American crack that you buy,
you're actually paying $1.50 Canadian. Folks, that crack can get pretty damn
expensive if you're buying with our currency. But Julius, you're probably
asking yourselves, what can we do to so that we don't get the old screw-job
when buying our crack in Detroit? Well, my fine feathered friends, there is
precious little we can do to our present Canadian dollar in terms of economic
turnaround in order to get it onto a level playing field with the US buck.
The only thing we can do, however is Americanize our money. However, a recent
poll suggested that the US doesn't want to share their money with Canada,
those godless Commie bastards. However, I have taken it upon myself to devise
a new strategem. I forgot what it was, and soon took on a new plan of
actually writing down any new strategies I came up with, as apparently vodka
kills those brain cells which help you remember things like where you are,
what your name is, and who that strange girl is in bed next to you. Good
times... Anyway, I decided to make our Canadian money American without
actually stealing their dollar, and the new plan will work as well as
buttering up a fat man to get him rolling down a hill. Here it is, my vision
for the new Canadian dollar, with only a few modifications to keep the bill
uniquely Canadian but economically American.
Can you spot the differences? I sure can't!
Americans make fun of a few other things, like our national animals. Bears,
beavers, moose, seals, what have you. Only one way to take care of this
problem. We will create a new national animal, an animal which Americans will
be too frightened to make fun of.
Would you like to know where my pet Vader is, you
Yankee son of a bitch?
Well, I hope this update has enlightened you and helped you see just why
Canada can benefit from a few minor changes here and there. We no longer have
to be the brunt of jokes, eh, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let a red,
white and blue texan make fun of my country! Remember Canada, we stand on
guard for thee!