SATURDAY, JUNE 29, 2002
UPDATED BY: JULIUS "NEGABYTE" PARENTE

COMPUTERS : GOD'S WAY OF SCREWING US FOR OUR TECHNOLOGICAL KNOWLEDGE

As I lay awake last night thinking about life and boobies, my mind somehow wandered to the subject of the computer, evoking in me a deep wonderment about technology as well as killing my erection. I began to think about what computers represent, what their goal is, and why it is that we depend on them so much. The end result? I discovered that computers are either a tool of Satan or a sick prank from God, trying to fuck us over for us being so technologically intelligent. Either way, computers are terrible instruments of destruction that will soon bring about our untimely deaths in a hailstorm of microchips. I shit you not.

The good old days, when pixelated 8-bit porn was the talk of the town.

Now, I am not any kind of computering expert. In fact, up until a year and a half ago, I had one of the few computers left that ran on deisel. It warmed up slower than frostbite, and lacked the luxuries of a video card, sound card, modem or hard drive. It's amazing that the thing actually did do anything at all. However, in September of 2000, I made the jump to a P3 500 mhz system, with all the fancy components I mentioned above. I was now able to multi-task and store data, things I could not do on my previous pre-Cold War system that even outdated Bob Hope. (It ran slower as well). So now, I was online, I was instant messaging, I was downloading, surfing for porn, doing everything and anything that the magical world of computerization could offer. But something was missing. I wanted to be a part of the magic, not just experiencing it. So, I decided to try my hand at programming.

In their monitor moxy, I think Apple forgot the computer...

If you're one of these man-chuggers who thinks programming is fun and the epitome of good times, you should be shot in the dick with an exploding shrapnel gun, since you will never need it. I can't wildly exagerate enough what a tedious task it is to type 5000 lines of code for a simple tic-tac-toe game, or how murder-inducingly annoying it is to leave out one squiggly bracket within those thousands of lines and therefore not have a single part of your program work. No wonder computer geeks have no time for dating, all their spare time is spent searching through a gabillion lines of this type of horseshit:

Dim BeginTime As Date Dim FinishTime As Date Dim ElapsedTime As Long
BeginTime = Now 'get the beginning time
Do
'Your loop code...
Loop
FinishTime = Now 'get the time after you exit the loop
ElapsedTime = DateDiff("s", BeginTime, FinishTime) 'figure how many seconds between them
'Display like this or with debug
lblStart.Caption = BeginTime
lblFinish.Caption = FinishTime
lblElapsed.Caption = "Elapsed time in seconds " & ElapsedTime
End Sub

What the fucking hell was that? Should I quit job in order to learn this foreign language? Should I visit the country where this language is spoken maybe? How about if I just give up, frequent Star Trek conventions and learn Klingon?

What I'd like to know is who thought it would be a good idea to make computer code so damn complicated and non-sensical. I can picture a group of computer engineers sitting around saying:

Engineer 1: "We need to codify programming functions into a universal code that average people can access and duplicate."

Engineer 2: "How about if we get really fucking high and just make up tons of crazy shit with random letters and numbers, just to fuck with anyone who tries to program a computer?"

Engineer 1: "Sure, what the hell."

I will show you the reason why to the layman, this can be so confusing. A process which can be simple is turned into a concept which is very difficult to grasp and is designed to make you question exactly why it was that you decided to make this hellhole your life's mission.

This:

Open "C:\LETTERS.TXT" For Input As #1
Do While Not EOF(1)
ReDim Preserve strLetters(x)
Input #1, strLetters(x)
x = x + 1
Loop
Close #1
Dim y As Variant
For Each y In strLetters
Form1.Print y
Next

Makes this:

COMMUNIST BULLSHIT.

Wow, a box with letters in it. If you forgot to type in one damn letter or number, you will bang your head against your monitor for hours because you will never find the mistake. Never. The only person that will find the mistake is another even geekier geek named Preston or Wilmott that you genuinely hate, and he will make sure he tells everyone that he found your error. Then, you will want to kill the fat little three foot tall bastard even more. Pretty soon that intense rage becomes a regular part of your life and you develop about fifteen ulcers before your 21st birthday. Then you die of radiation poisoning, rendering your penis to the size, shape and texture of a raisin.

So what can be done to erase this endless toil? Well, we can always stop using computers, but then we wouldn't have stupidity factories like this website to fill the endless voids in our pathetic little lives. I would also have nothing to do at 3AM except sleep, and what fun is that? It is truly a terrible dilemma, and it makes me want to stop thinking about this issue and concentrate on what is really important, boobies...

BOOBIES!!