ARTICLE ARCHIVES

thursday, june 13, 2002
UPDATED BY: Adam "Kramer" Kramer

'hot damn! i gots me a penis': the mantastic allure of being a man

I think it is my duty as the resident manly-man to spend a few minutes informing all of you johnny-come-lately's about what it means to be the rough and tumble kind of man that you only see on the boxes of such products as chainsaws, and paper towels.

WOW! Look how manly!

Now, despite what the above picture might make you think, being macho isn't all about having neatly coiffed flaxen hair, or standing in a pastel meadow or peaceful forest. Its about more than that, its about the willingness to defile that peaceful forest or pastel meadow. If you look closely at the aforementioned picture you will notice that the man there is smiling. He's smiling because he's urinating on a small, defenseless, bunny rabbit. That’s a real man for ya!

That brings me to my second point, all men pee.

My third point is that men are quite often considered slobs (sometimes in conjunction with their abuse of their right described in my second point). I have personally been encountering much anti-slob sentiment in the sanctity of my own small living quarters. The frightening part of the anti-slob sentiment is that it has a tendency to become contagious. Yesterday I found myself cleaning of my own free will. It got to the point where I felt the need to reassert my masculinity and I was nearly forced to cry havoc and let slip the urine of war in order to do so. Instead I dyed my hair and spent the day frolicking in a meadow.

Another fun-fact, it isn’t considered un-manly to scream like a small girl when a squirrel jumps out of the bushes and scares you. In fact, it’s very manly to do so. Because real men know what kind of diseases such animals carry, and they know that a high-pitched squeal could be the only thing that scares the villainous creature away. Also a real man may or may not want to run about 10 feet or so in the other direction, to warn anyone who might be taking the same path as him that there is danger up ahead. It is very un-manly to laugh at anyone trying to warn you of danger (and it can hurt someone’s feelings).

I have one final point, and it is the most important of them all. I can't quite remember what it is, maybe it was something about caring, or understanding something, not being afraid to do whatever, I'm not sure but I'm pretty sure you should all take this final point to heart. I think the final point was something about never fishing where the bass ain't a bitin', or maybe it was something about coal mining. Either way, now you know all of my manly secrets and soon you too will be able to make others shiver in awe at your overpowering aura of masculinity (I'm pretty sure that’s why they do it, either that or I smell).