WEDNESDAY, JUNE 26, 2002
UPDATED BY: MATTHEW "TARCHON" BECKER
SPAM, NO LONGER JUST A "WEIRD AL" YANKOVIC SONG
Today I am going to talk about spam. I FUCKING HATE SPAM. Anybody who has been using the Internet for more than five minutes is probably familiar with what I am talking about. For those who don't know, spam is the word for mass-emailings of advertisements that are sent to millions of people every day. People who send it, who I like to refer to collectively as THE DEVIL, think somehow that if they send out five million emails a day to approximately ten people, that instead of just pissing them off, it will somehow make them buy their product.
These people need to have their genitals boiled in piping hot whale blubber.
I was reading an article on the weekend in the Spectator about spam. It said that about 20% of all Internet traffic WORLDWIDE is spam. Do you know what that means? It means that one megabyte in every five being transferred is some fucking spammer trying to get you free herbal viagra, or fake Brittney spears images of her chugging horsecock.
What, you say? These people are merely legitimate marketeers wanting to bring the message of their product to the masses? What, you say? This is no different from people putting supermarket fliers into your mailbox?
WRONG. I don't know about you, but I've not once gotten a pamphlet in my mail that had one or more of the following phrases on it:
-BUY FREE HERBAL VIAGRA NOW!!!
-Porno! Porno! Porno!
-I'm hot and horny for carrots!
-Consolidate your mortgage!
Who are these people? And why are they not dead?
To prove that I'm not just blowing shit out of my keyboard, here is a typical sample of what I get in my email box when I turn off the email filters. I have highlighted some of the more disturbing ones.
I FUCKING HATE SPAM.
Can you believe that? If I didn't have my email filters on, I would get about 300 of those every day!
This phemenon is the AIDS of the Internet. It is an unstoppable plague that threatens to consume all bandwidth.
Do you know what these people do when they realize that you aren't clicking on their spam? The logical thing would be to pack up shop and go home. But somehow they think that the answer is simply that they are not sending out enough mass-mailings! A few more million ought to do it right? Already they chew up 1/5th of the entire world's bandwidth, and that is not enough, nothing will ever be enough!
Something has to be done. They have to be stopped. I'm Matt Becker, reporting for Orgamecha.