ARTICLE ARCHIVES

friday, june 14, 2002
UPDATED BY: julius "negabyte" parente

i know not of what i speak

There comes a time in every man's life where he has to sit up from the rubble surrounding him like a potato chip snow angel, and say "What the hell have I been talking about all these years? What's wrong with me? Am I an idiot?" Although these thunderous queries have plagued mankind since the dawn of time, when God had sex with some spareribs for six days, or something of that nature, I can't help but imagine that it is our near-empty brains, possibly running on beer fumes, that is to blame. We are a race captivated by the shiny, the metal, the simple, and shocked and confused by anything with buttons or sounds. We see a dial and we cringe in fear, much like the apes in Planet of the Apes, when the human talked. He sure made monkeys out of them!

This is what I imagine God looks like, our good and intellectual king.

I can imagine a society of people who are the exact opposite, and with opposable thumbs, who are frightened by simple things and are madly in love with the complex, like the love that a pitbull terrier has for Aunt Maude's cat Fluffy. I think their conversations would go something like this:

"What is it master? I am cold and frightened."

"It appears to be a room. A room of infinite evil due to its walls and floor. It also appears to have a ceiling, a ceiling of EVIL, no doubt."

"Is...is that a...c-c-ceiling fan master?" (shivers in chicken-shitedness)

"Yes, Goalax, a ceiling fan of EVIL!"

"Master, you are so wise and brave, let us celebrate with sticky homo love."

Homoerotic plot twists aside, more technologically advanced civilizations look upon earth with a grin of utter contempt on their humus-gray faces, or if they are too advanced for mouths, you can bet those little green bastards are laughing at us with telekinetic powers or with very nice cell phones. But those of superior intellect, especially those who loved the movie "A.I.: Artificial Intelligence" (they had to insert the full version of the term A.I. because of us dumb people who hated the movie) are not necessarily to blame for our vacuous craniums, no, we ourselves are to blame. We sit in front of the television for hours on end watching people "earn" $10,000 because they fell onto a rake from their roof. Sigh. It is this reason, these voids we are trapped into, such as the mind-murdering sink hole known as the Internet, which make our brains plummet to ankle-high levels and which make our smarts disappear faster than virginity at a rave. I am convinced that the reason that I couldn't come up with a topic to write about other than my own stupidity is because I spend too much reading text which people WrItE lIkE tHiS. Then there are other people who spell "to" as "2", obviously because it is quite fucking difficult to hit one additional key on your keyboard.

This is absolutely nothing. I could have put anything into this box, like another box with colour, but I couldn't think of anything. NOT A THING, DAMMIT!

Of course, not all stupidity is bred from the internet and television. Much stupidity is heretical, like baldness and bald pin cocks, and cannot be changed. This is why rednecks and lynch-mob enthusiasts are as rampant as virginity at a Star Trek convention. (I enjoy virginity references, can't you tell?) Their low intelligence and poor sense of direction are not their own fault, but their continued existence sure as hell is...

So, I hope you enjoyed this romp through the pumpkin patch, and I hope it was enlightening for you to see that I am in fact a man hobbled in the brain region by a disease I like to call "lazius bastardus." It is great to know that I am not alone, as you fans out there obviously display some kind of retardedness for hanging on my every word. Yes, I am THAT dumb that I would insult you, live on the air no less. And so, I take my leave of you, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but RIGHT NOW!

UPDATE: Matt Becker has been added to Team Orgamecha. He will be updating Wednesdays. Welcome aboard Matt, don't fuck up, as your legs depend on it!