ARTICLE ARCHIVES

Sunday, June 9, 2002
UPDATED BY: Julius "Negabyte" Parente

Ho Canada!

A quick note before we start. These updates will show you how warped a sense of humour me and my friends have. Hope you enjoy them, if not, I understand completely. SIGN THE FRIGGIN' GUESTBOOK!

Canada, the land of opportunity, the great white north, the butt of jokes everywhere. There are several things we can do as the people of Canada to solve this terrible problem. For one thing, we can change some of the things that other nations think of as joke punchlines. Our politeness for one thing. Others, especially Americans, believe that Canadians are too polite, and therefore, not as tough. Well, we can change this point of view simply by changing the "Welcome to Canada" sign that is present across the Canada-US border. Here is my proposed new welcome sign:

This will show those American bastards how "polite" we are!

A second aspect of Canadian life constantly being made fun of south of the border is the weakness of our dollar. Our dollar is worth about 65 cents US. This means that for every dollar's worth of American crack that you buy, you're actually paying $1.50 Canadian. Folks, that crack can get pretty damn expensive if you're buying with our currency. But Julius, you're probably asking yourselves, what can we do to so that we don't get the old screw-job when buying our crack in Detroit? Well, my fine feathered friends, there is precious little we can do to our present Canadian dollar in terms of economic turnaround in order to get it onto a level playing field with the US buck. The only thing we can do, however is Americanize our money. However, a recent poll suggested that the US doesn't want to share their money with Canada, those godless Commie bastards. However, I have taken it upon myself to devise a new strategem. I forgot what it was, and soon took on a new plan of actually writing down any new strategies I came up with, as apparently vodka kills those brain cells which help you remember things like where you are, what your name is, and who that strange girl is in bed next to you. Good times... Anyway, I decided to make our Canadian money American without actually stealing their dollar, and the new plan will work as well as buttering up a fat man to get him rolling down a hill. Here it is, my vision for the new Canadian dollar, with only a few modifications to keep the bill uniquely Canadian but economically American.

Can you spot the differences? I sure can't!

Americans make fun of a few other things, like our national animals. Bears, beavers, moose, seals, what have you. Only one way to take care of this problem. We will create a new national animal, an animal which Americans will be too frightened to make fun of.

Would you like to know where my pet Vader is, you Yankee son of a bitch?

Well, I hope this update has enlightened you and helped you see just why Canada can benefit from a few minor changes here and there. We no longer have to be the brunt of jokes, eh, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let a red, white and blue texan make fun of my country! Remember Canada, we stand on guard for thee!