ARTICLE ARCHIVES

tuesday, june 11, 2002
UPDATED BY: Julius "Negabyte" Parente

Natural Selection at Its Finest

Human beings have evolved from slimy one celled organisms to slimier multi-celled organisms to hairy organisms with some slime to primates to humans. By the way, those are the correct scientific terms. But humans have also found a way to befoul themselves unlike any other species in the universe, and this even includes those sick animals who lick their own crotches. For shame. Anyway, I took it upon myself to try to figure out exactly why it is that people simply act in the bizarre ways that they do. For example, many people act in mind-numbingly stupid ways to seek attention, or simply because they suffer from a form of brain atrophy and probably from some sort of small-penis syndrome. There are a few various categories in which I will attempt to sort out these oddities for future reference.

This group finds some strange type of satisfaction in making themselves look like complete jackasses for the sake of shocking others. Not only do they fail miserably, but they also make themselves unemployable as mall Santas. Symptoms include your skin being 50,000 different colours, your wardrobe consists of black wife-beaters and white wife-beaters, and you can never be used as a raft. (Too many holes).

This man has no penis.

The Where's-My-Blankie-And-Adult-Diaper-I'm-A-Complete-Fucking-Retard" Group

This group exhibits inbred tendencies and a wild flair for being kicked in the groin by neighbourhood kids. They tend to be beaten up because they believe that Jesus that will show them the way, a belief which they attempt to push on the kids smoking in the washroom. Good call Billy-Bob, I hope the cousin you marry doesn't have a problem with you having only one testicle you flaming shit casserole.

It's amazing how large this family is considering none of the 'males' have penises.

The "I-Have-Negative-I.Q." Group

Wow, another group of people that should be abandoned on ice floes in Antarctica to die. This group seems to populate most of our planet and also belong in every other group mentioned on this page. They somehow elude the angelic grips of natural selection until they are well into their middle ages, when sooner or later they decide to use a gas-soaked rag to light their cigarette.

The "I-think-I'm-Black-Although-It's-Fairly-Clear-I'm-WHITE" Group

I am confused and astounded by this group of cretins who believe they are from some kind of hood although they all live in rich white suburbs in the foothills of the Rockies. They cherish the words of all black rappers, although they probably can't understand a single word being said, or what they mean. Symptoms include incoherent babbling, threatening use of 'glocks,' rampant spelling errors, use of words 'beotch' [sic], 'wussup' [sic], and 'fashizzle' [wtf?]. They ride small bicycles and wear large clothes and behemoth jewellery, obviously showing a poor sense of calculation, as they wouldn't have had to buy the cheaper kiddie bike at the store if they didn't pay so much to super-size their jeans.

You can outrun any of these kids, as they will constantly have to slow down to adjust their falling pants. They don't want any of their homies to know that they have no penis.

Well, that ends my ranking of some of the low of the low, the horrid, the ghastly. The people listed in the above article are people which should not be interacted with for any reason, as their awfulness may attempt to integrate itself into our own being, much like a fat redneck woman at a discount superstore flip-flop bin. The sooner we identify these menaces the sooner we can eradicate them, by raining nuclear justice on them like it was 1999!