ARTICLE ARCHIVES

SUNDAY, JUNE 30, 2002
UPDATED BY: JULIUS "NEGABYTE" PARENTE

YOU'LL NEVER SEE THESE GUYS IN MARVEL COMICS!

Well, with great power comes great responsibility. This was a quote that some old guy told some young guy who had sex with some mutant spider or some shit not too long before he got offed by some guy with a doo-wacky called a "gun." So of course, the young spider-humper went all crazy and what-not and used his brand new spidey senses for good and not evil. This seems to be the way for all super heroes. Otherwise they'd be supervillians. The point is that there are always people in this world who tend to take on strange powers in their youth but do not harness them until they have taken on very low-key humble writing positions at a newspaper or smut rag. Now, some people decide to either use their powers for good or for evil, which probably depends on the degree that the world has bent them over and fed it to them in the ass. But not in the way that you would think. I have noticed that it is the very privileged ones who turn to cartoonish super-villainy, while the ones who use their powers for good were the ones who were royally ass-punched or raped in the shower by a posse of gung-ho aqua-men, or inmates, I can't remember which. For some reason however, revenge or murderous rage is never a key ingredient in figuring out the super-hero path, or in selecting a unique costume to identify themselves by. Instead, they want to select for themselves an identity is sleek and good, an identity which others can see and say, "hey that guy's NOT trying to kill us, let's like him."

So, when super-heroes evolve to uphold truth, justice, and all that other fancy crap, people like them. No shit. But it is the super-villains which gain the unpopularity of the populace, and are even targets for flying vegetables, like flying squash or flying cumquats. Super-villains are forced to live in seclusion, away from all humanity. And who could blame them? I mean, would YOU want to be out in public if you just deep-fried an orphanage? I didn't think so. Imagine a game of baseball if you were a super-villain...

"That wasn't a strike ump, that was 3 feet outside."

"Hey, I don't tell you how to kill orphans, don't tell me how to call balls and strikes."

"Oh, it's on now BEEEEOTCH!!!!"

So of course, Orphan-Killer kills everyone, even kids who have parents (HATE DOES NOT DISCRIMINATE) (or maybe it does and that's the problem...oh well, I don't really fucking care). Anyhoo, no one likes super-villains except for maybe disallusioned Islamic radicals, but that is a different topic for a different day. There is however, another brand of super-heroes/villains who are equally reviled by the masses but for completely different reasons. They are simply the most annoying people in the world, and will incessantly bother people. The good part about these "heroes" is that they are easily warded off, usually with a stern look or with the slightest bit of attention. And here is this crack squad of gangly heroes and villains, the Anti-Heroes and Villains!

Mulletman: Mulletman, annoying by nature, more annoying by alcohol, he doesn't care who he upsets with his loud swearing and country music. Mulletman, who wears the heroic costume of no shirt, no shoes and torn overalls, possibly with a confederate flag bandana, crusades against his pet peeves, which include laws, water, black people and the Union.

This mullety bastard married his cousin and fucked his sister. He is a pillar of the community.

Man-Mullet: Man-Mullet, a mullet with the powers of a man, is equally as terrible as Mulletman and can often be found residing on the head of Mulletman, making them quite the bombastic duo. Man-Mullet can do what Mulletman does, like drink and swear, but is often tucked under a cowboy or Nascar hat so it can't do either.

Man-Mullet, shown here residing on a plastic head. He is evil, no?

Whiny-Boy: Whiny-Boy takes on many forms, from a child to a fat intelligence-lacking adult who views Gene Roddenberry as some sort of deity. He whines and whines and whines, all the time, with a high-pitched squeal voice that makes flass break. Whiny-Boy wins his battles by going on family trips, going to malls and in general, being alive.

The Fifth Dentist: The fifth dentist is a wiley vet of the villainy squad, with an impressive knowledge of how to make people argue and disagree. He often uses his position of power as a dentist to say that the new whitening toothpaste from Colgate is actually more of a rat poison than a toothpaste. Suddenly, the other dentists begin yelling and fighting with each other and all hell breaks loose. All the while, The Fifth Dentist has gone off to the next clinical trial, where he begins anew...

I'm-Big-Shit-Man: This guy thinks he's big shit, and he's actually nowhere close. This guy thinks he dresses with style and that he's a big hit with the ladies, and that he has alot going for him. Meanwhile, he dresses like an idiot, girls laugh at him and he is nothing special. His annoying qualities is that he is always kinda hanging around and acting cool. He makes others want to punch him in the skull.

Antman: Antman has the powers of an ant. He's like Spiderman, except he has ant powers. Antman has the powers to crawl really fast, to carry food larger than him and to make people feel very uncomfortable. He has the terrible quality of eating all of a person's sugar when he goes to their house for tea.

Not the right types of ant, but they are almost as annoying as Antman.

So there you have them, a lineup of terrible super heroes and villains, hated by almost anyone they come into contact with. Beware, there could be and probably is an anti-hero or villain lurking near you!