ARTICLE ARCHIVES

FRIDAY, JUNE 28, 2002
UPDATED BY: JULIUS PARENTE

AN ODE TO OLD PEOPLE

When we reach a certain age, we undergo certain "changes" which affect things like our voice, skin, height, etc. This is commonly known as puberty, or indefinite awkwardness. These changes usually happen around ages 10-13, and make peepee big! (That was wrong, so wrong). A second time that change is noticeably visible is when we hit the golden years, age 65+. I will write this update with absolutely no knowledge of this except for the strange things I notice old people do when I am out looking for fast women. These changes that old people undergo at this time affect sight, hearing, mental powers, etc.

Sight: When people get old, they are more and more unable to see that life has been awfully cruel to them as of late. They wear glasses thicker than a model's lips on colagen, but still squint until they have their eyes completely shut. They obviously cannot see, but they still attempt to do things like drive, walk and interact with other humans.

Do not let your eyes fool you grandpa, this picture is NOT to scale!

Hearing: If you have to be around old people alot, prepare to either repeat everything several times or to just give up talking. You can also go an alternate route and just insult them constantly as they strain to hear you. The only flaw I can think of is that one bastard who wears a hearing aid and hears every damn thing you say. A cane to the abdomen hurts too, especially that damn hickory.

This man is old and therefore not to be trusted. Do you see how he doesn't hear a word you say and yet nods and smiles? HE IS PURE EVIL.

The Brain:Brain powers diminish significantly as you get older, especially the power of the brain to understand things being explained to it. Those synapses obviously stay in Florida for an extended stay, because some old people don't know what the fuck is going on. They only look at you funny and loudly say "EGGHHHH?" and you soon realize you'd have better luck explaining something to your left testicle.

This chicken may or may not be an old person, TO MAKE SURE YOU SHOULD SHOOT IT DEAD.

Bitterness: Many old people, well ALL old people, develop a feeling that world has fucked them sideways in a million different ways, so they should spend their remaining days on Earth as pissed off and unpleasant as they possibly can. Although this is characteristically a senior citizen trait, I have noticed myself develop the "Cranky Bitter Old Codger" syndrome quite early in my life. This is probably a direct result of the billions of idiots on this planet, but old man traits can manifest themselves into young people, probably like when someone is possessed and starts vomiting on priests and swearing like they have tourette's syndrome. A lot of times the old people will sit on their porches telling several generations of people younger than them what is wrong with each of their generations. They also yell at neighbour kids to stay off their damn lawn or to quit their infernal racket. I don't understand how the infernal racket is the only thing they tend to hear...well, rackets and Matlock. Go figure.

He is being kept alive by God to embitter the next Pope, whoever that may be.

Driving/Walking Skills: Use up your mad walking and driving skillz while you still can, because they'll be long gone when you hit the twilight of your life. Since old people can't really drive anymore, they tend to drive very slow and simply steer into a lane and hope for the best. They figure that death is the best way to end the terrible, bitter life they have led, so it's best to go out in a fiery metal wreck. They also tend not to walk to a crosswalk, but they cross a road in the middle of traffic, especially along 4 lane one ways streets, because they figure that people will stop to let them cross. Fuck you granny, if you want to risk it, you're fair game.

This happened because an old lady crossed the road in the middle of rush hour. The damage wouldn't have been as bad had I not steered into her and lost control and hit a truck carrying soiled condoms. What a mess.

Everything Else: Let's face it, an old person is like a car, as soon as one thing dies everything else starts to go. Hearts, lungs, genitals, brains, limbs, what have you, it will break down. And it'll cost an arm and a leg (pardon the pun) to fix. So best to kill yourself before you become a drooling perverted ass wad.