saturday, june 15, 2002
UPDATED BY: JULIUS "NEGABYTE" PARENTE
Useful Things Have Many Uses
For the second straight day I nearly forgot to update this site. This next one is an old one I wrote a while back. I have no energy to think right now, so a new one was out of the question. (Tequila doesn't help you think.) Hope you like!
It seems to me as if our capitalist fuckbucket of a government has one idea in mind: to make as much money as they are humanly and not necessarily humanely possible of making. Although this is not necessarily new news, the means through which I have come to realize this (if we don't consider needle drugs and running nude through a vat of chocolate to be my muse) are by gazing upon the various objects of a non-pornographic nature that litter my Unabomber-style shack of a home. These objects, I find, are limited to one use, and are therefore, almost literally useless, except for their single use. This stops getting confusing at one point, at least to me, as my degree of drunkenness grows. But I digress.
I thought about this dilemma for a good long while, since I am an unemployed bachelor and have nothing better to do, and soon discovered that millions of objects that we regularly use have only a single use attached to them. Such objects follow:
Bathroom Scale : For one thing, I have never heard of a scale that goes in any other room of the house, such as the basement scale or the living room scale, but this is unimportant for our purposes. What is important is the fact that the scale's sole use is to weigh vain women who always think they are overweight, in defiance of the small number of pounds they weigh staring back at them. Although it can be argued that you can weigh just about anything on such a scale, why the fuck would you want to start weighing things in your crapper?
Soap : You can clean yourself with this object, but that is pretty much it. Unless you believe pleasuring yourself with a handful of liquid soap or shoving a bar of Irish Spring up your ass are uses of soap, then soap is quite useful, but since you'd have to have an incredible fetish for soap to believe such a thing, we'll move on.
Pornography : I didn't want to put this here, but after some extensive research and soul-searching, I realized that porn, even tractor porn, has only one real use, which is to look at it. Any other naturally occurring things which happen throughout the course of ogling porn are merely offshoots of staring at pictures of naked people.
Condoms : Balloons, both animal and water, don't count.
In my search for the useless, I was able to locate some objects which have a schmorgasboard of uses, all of which are insanely practical. Here are just a few:
Toothpaste : You can use it to brush your teeth AND choke a person with it. Of course, we also remember Austin Powers use it to blind a guard. Hollywood at its best.
The Toilet : You can sit on them, read on them, eject various wastes into them, dispose incriminating evidence in them and they provide a refreshing drink for your dog. And they're everywhere, too!
The Internet : Whether it be looking for nude pictures of Darva Conger or posting a drunken rant on this site, the 'Net is one of the most useful pieces of crap since the spinning jenny. Kudos to the Star Trek-loving science geek who invented it.
So there, you have a few of the useless and some of the useful objects that we often take for granted. Things that we use every day, never realizing that our love of hygiene, sex, and entertainment have spurred on our desire to spend pocketfuls of money on objects of an incredibly useless nature. My solution is not to merely give up on life and stop buying soap, but to combine several single-use items into a multi-use piece of shit that is very infomercial-friendly.
Full-Body-Cleaning-Scale : Is it a scale? Is it a bottle of shampoo? Who the fuck knows?!?! All I know is that it lets you clean yourself while weighing yourself while washing your hair while lamenting over how fat you let your ass get during the Christmas holidays!
Pornographic-Shoehorn-Condoms : A nude picture on each, these ultra-hard plastic shoe-horns have patented grooves for her pleasure and yours, with non-slip grips on the inside to make sure you can make uninterrupted love. Clean out thoroughly before putting shoes on.
Wow! What a selection! I know I'll never pay eighty cents for a bar of soap again, not when I can get lots of other stuff with it! God, I should be shot in the penis with a photon beam.