SATURDAY, JUNE 22, 2002
UPDATED BY: JULIUS "NEGABYTE" PARENTE

THE WORLD CUP : LESS EVERYTHING, MORE EVERYTHING ELSE!

The World Cup this year comes to us live from the sandy and democratic beaches of Japan and South Korea (not North Korea though, those Commie cuntholes.) If you are one of the soccer-crazy crazies that has been watching games between 2:00 and 7:30 AM, then kudos to you, you have been treated to some great soccer. However, I am here to ruin your love of the sport by pointing out its mammoth flaws and to suggest some improvements that could radically change soccer, or football, as those Barbaric brits call it.

XFL Cheerleaders with Cheerleader Changeroom cameras: Soccer can be seen as a sport full of suits in the stands and players who are very polite and courteous. Time to make things wild!! Umeployed XFL cheerleaders will provide all the cleavage filled entertainment needed to make soccer a more spectator-friendly sport. A not-so-hidden camera in the cheerleader changeroom will provide much appreciated breaks from the tedium that is often involved in a soccer match.

Annoying Commentators: So ABC doesn't want Dennis Miller anymore? Then we'll take him! So what if he doesn't know a thing about soccer or football or people or Earth or anything useful, his clever anecdotes and whacky hijinks will provide some colour and Hawaiin-punch style flavour to the boring British broadcasts.

British Commentator: "Oh my, that was a truly majestic strike from the German midfielder. A well deserved and constructed marker."

Dennis Miller: "I can't believe it, that goal was incredibly reminiscent of the time that Ivan Pavlov had his fucked up little hungry dog eat bull testicles while doing a triple salkow over the heads of Russian figure skaters all the while earning high grades for his outstanding work in the field of stem cell research."

Soon afterwards, British soccer hooligans ripped out Dennis Miller's voicebox through his anus. But his 15 seconds on the air were true bliss!

They REALLY didn't like the Dennis Miller idea.

Nazi Efficiency: A Nazi-run German team at the World Cup? Yessirree Bob! With a German team run by an authoritative Nazi dictator, the team will be too afraid to lose! Brutal slayings and complete genocides of opposing teams will lead to certain victory for Germany. With that nasty Israel team, the root of all the world's problems, out of the way, there is no one to stop them (unless of course if the team's president decides to schedule a game against Russia in January).

The German World Cup squad readies for action.

"David Beckham Gone Wild" Promotion: David Beckham is a crazy dude, spiking is hair all spike-like and such, and marrying Anal-Retentive, I mean Posh, Spice. So when he starts to feel the sanity take a vacation and the rage settle and nest like a Britney Spears vanarial disease, the cameras are rolling! Each game, a Beckham freak-out will be reenacted by mascots in chicken costumes until one is dead or too injured to fight on. All courtesy of your friendly neighbourhood David Beckham!

David Beckham, allegedly, so insane and drunk he forgot what country he played for. For shame.

Offence Marshalls: Let's face it, when the teams on the field are playing defence first, it can get rather boring. So, on-field offence marshalls, highly trained in the use of tasers and cattle prods, make sure that all players are hauling ass at all times. Although this may lead to a rash of dehydration-related deaths, it will give fans an offence filled high-octane game.

So there it is, my way of spicing up the global game we know as beer-drinking, I mean soccer. I love soccer! And Brazil should rot in soccer hell. Props to a friend of mine for that line.